Loving yourself first

Birthday Love

2011-12-01T17:48:00.001-08:00

So today is my grandma's 82nd Birthday and I want to say so much about her and to her yet why is it so difficult?
Sometimes when we love someone so much it is hard for us to say the right things....either we forget, we are embarrassed or afraid to say what we think because we pray that the other end feels the same way about us.

I have never experienced that kind of love from my grandma...she is so selfless. I can omit that I have not been selfless like her. In fact, i have been selfish.lol It reminds me of how I treat Jesus at times. He keeps loving me unconditionally and we keep acting like He hasn't expressed his overwhelming love.

My grandma was my first interaction with my faith building. I remember at 5 years old praying with her....She had a stack of prayers that she would unfold out of her address book and we would recite them together at 5:15 am every morning. I enjoyed praying with her. I learned how to be a prayer warrior from those early days. It funny but she has started to read the same prayers to Alexander.

She was my first mentor...my grandma worked HARD every single day...she would made a full course Sunday meals before 10 am, we would have grandma and Stacy Saturday adventures. I love them so much because they always ended up with me getting either pizza or McDonald's. Smiling right now because I miss those days.

I learned that you should play hard and work hard. Our house was always filled with people and love. It was amazing how she would extended family for years....we share a queen size bed together and we would whisper bedtime stories and talk until we both feel asleep.

Today, I am so grateful to have my grandma....I know she is getting older and I want to appreciate every day of her life because I only have one grandma. I love her so. So congratulates to my grandma Vilma Theresa Roach for adding another years onto your plate.

UnAshamed Love

2011-10-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

I am not ashamed of my love for you. I am not ashamed to worship you - Unknown Author

How many times I thought just by worshiping, crying and praising God... it would display of my love for Christ and to other. As I sang to myself I am unashamed unashamed.........was I really unashamed?

The last couple of weeks, God has released me from a place of comfort to yet again "the land of unknown".
If I go back to my past, I am aware that He has all intentions of USING my testimony to encourage others who are in a place of confusion. Should I follow this path of righteous or the path of enemy?
I know God wants me to testify that even when I fell/got hurt/was depressed...The Lord always has my back. I want to authentically be real....the road is scary....the road is lonely...but the road is worth it!! I rather be a Christians over knowing that when I leave this earth I will be in living in hell.

But to be honest, I have grown accustom to my ministry, to my church membership and no this entitlements which come with being a leader. To now, being the new kid on the block....but God knows I am no new kid and that I am ready to preach about his goodness via internet, in person, on my blog, and just unashamed!!

Who wants to start all over especially when you feel as if you have developed relationships and served faithfully as well as willingly. But in the back of my head, I feel like I deserve to PROVE something to others. I am really being unashamed??? Or is this just my pride or me being disobedient to God's will? Well, it is because there is nothing I need to do but Love my neighbor and serve the Lord with my whole heart.

The Jesus I served does not have to prove anything to anyone because He is Who is He is because HE IS......So in my new journey of change in my ministry (church life) I am ready to meet new faces, talk about how wonderful the Lord has bless me and my family and continue to be that different Christian.... the young shepherd boy David. The hidden king amongst his brothers.......I pray that Lord uses me as I am but groom me into the women of many purposes.

Please send me some encouraging thoughts and/or comments!! As I will continue to pray for you and your family!!

You are totally in control, Love!!

2011-10-06T17:41:00.001-07:00

Last weekend, I went through a breakthrough. I have heard the word breakthrough many of times in gospel songs and from pastors but I have never really understood the term.

But last weekend, I went through a BREAKTHROUGH. I can only explain through my own experience. But I went through a change in my soul....from feeling like I was stuck, responsible for everyone else lives, never being able to move into my dreams or my purpose and i just felt chained in the normalcy of life. I went this freeing moment when I decided to believe what I was promised to me by the Lord Jesus Christ.

As the blind man scales fell from his eyes after Jesus touched them with mud....so were my scales of doubt, shame, depression, and lack of growth!! I decided that it was my time and no one waiting for stuff to happen.     But once I said it to myself....it seemed like it was so simple until an hour later.....the FEAR came in. LOL

I got so scared of leave my comfortability...what if what if settled in. Well thank God for church!

As I entered church after 3 months hiatus. I just wanted to be spectator, you know take my time to open up once again and to just be like everyone else. I didn't want to be different.

God decided to burst my bubble once again to remind me that He is in FULL control.

I watched the Pastor digest and spit out the Word to a point that I was like dang I want to be this kind of preacher one day. The pastor was so on point that the Holy ghost fell and he started to prophetize.   At first, I was a little screwed face because I usually can spot false prophets a mile away. But everything he towards others seemed to be towards me. I just decided to listen....better yet I stated taking notes to cover up that fact that God was talking to me through the Pastor. I kept hearing Walking it out.....letting go the shackles on your feet...Loose demons chains off of your feet.    I kept on writing down since it didn't seem like God was talking to me through the Pastor and then a women sitting in front of me turned around got out of her seat and walked towards me......remember I am in church....remember that the congregation is about roughly 150 people.....remember that the pastor was preaching and prophetizing.......all I remembered hearing....Hey YOU God is calling YOU to WALK now.....!!!

I know that many of times, we Christians, do the exercise of being a good Christian.....We go to church, we read our Bibles and we might even praise or we might worship but we cannot forget that God knows our heart, our soul and HE knows US.   We cannot pretend with Him.

I needed for God to put me in the spotlight to release those my scales that had blinded me from my future! I needed for them to fall so I could grow.   I needed for the Lord to let me know that He has been watching me all this time. I needed to hear from the Lord that He has always been with me and He heard my laughter and cries.

I needed to know that my Father was in total control.

You are totally in control, Love!!

Keep on my love....loving

2011-10-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

Recently, I have been feeling discouraged about love. Why am I going through so much hurt and pain due to others not loving me in the same matter. During one of my moments with God that He clearly said, " Keep on my love..loving!!

What does that MEAN? I SCREAMED? LOL Keep on my love loving?

When I don't understand what God is trying to say I usually go to the Bible or continue to pray on the situation but The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 10:13 - Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love."

A Hard pill to swallow when someone in your inner circle does not do the same....Do everything in love.
During an mentored moment by my aunt, she said something which struck a cord in me.... Do what Christ is requiring of you and more. God would never leave you nor forsake you.

In my flesh, I wanted to say but He has but in His Word clearly states He wants ME to Do Everything in Love.

I believe that Christ exhibits love on an another level which we will never fully experience on this Earth but at least we can TRY to love unconditionally.

Today, I ask that you Do everything in love.

I am too afraid to love, Love?

2011-09-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

For the past year, God has laid on my heart that I should do two things....create blogs speaking to other women and young girls about my story (testimony) and to inspire others to dig deeper into loving Him, my savior Jesus Christ.

I have been afraid that no one would read, listen or be interested. You see my story isn't rosy. No rose petals on the ground but I have years of pain, abuse and just living because God provided me with a promise. His promise was that I would one day be a blessing to His Kingdom, that I would be in a successful relationships with a man and family, and that one day I would live abundantly.

I became afraid of that promise because what God was asking of me also to be exposed, to be real, to be open and to be honest. All things that others have never been towards me.

I realized that what if I kept it real or exposed my heart to others or continued to be honest....will Love be there when folks start laughing at me? Of course, He would but I was too afraid to say what I needed to say because I allowed the enemy to keep me fearful. Being disobedience to Love is a no-no!!

I thank God for my husband, Mr. Romeo because his relentless pushing has annoyed me at times lol but he saw something in me that I wanted to hidden from the world. I do have a shy, soft and sensitive side underneath this tough Brooklyn skin.....The biggest reason why I kept myself from this blog!

Because I was too afraid to love, Love?

You see.... I should know better that my God would NEVER leave me nor FORSAKE me. Especially, when I am fulfilling His promise for my LIFE. Duh!!!

I am doing what He has created me to do and I do feel at peace right now.

So as of today, I have placed my entire life into His hands. I will be writing, expressing and saying what He has asked me to say and do. For in the end, He will be glorified!!

Awwww Love!!

2011-09-22T16:56:00.000-07:00

So I have done a lot of things to Love, I have taken Him for granted, I have fell back in love with Love, turn my back on Love but Guess what Love always awwww loves me!

Recently, I have been re-evaluating my relationship with Love again....you see..... I got married in July and once you enter into a relationship with someone besides Love. Well, He gets jealous! lol

He wants your attention on Him first and then the love from Him overflows into your relationship with others.

Sometimes I get it all wrong? LOL
I must admit it because my relationship with LOVE aka Jesus was a lil off balanced. But He loved enough to protect from worst, allowed me to lick my wounds and patted me on the butt and told me to keep going.

I am fortunate to have Christ as my savior and I am happy that He loves me even when I am unable to love myself.

I know I am rambling on today but awww Love is amazing. I will be writing more on my Love.

Compassionate Love

2010-07-09T09:42:00.001-07:00

You walk by the same unemployed or homeless person every day and never once said Hi or offer a quarter to him/her- Do you display compassion to your brothers/sisters?
A husband cheated on his wife but his wife stays with her husband and seeks restoration for their marriage. Should she be bitter towards her husband and not be compassionate even thru infidelity?
Folks you once considered, to be your friends, are now gossiping some of your personal business. Today, they have asked for your forgiveness, can you be compassionate towards them?
Recently, the Lord has placed on my heart the word compassion! Be compassionate! Show my love the way I do towards you! For years, I felt that people used my compassionate heart for being passive or a punk. I felt used for a while! I questioned why people would treat me cruel when all I did was display compassion!
But in this walk as a Christian, I am realizing that the Lord only rewards his saints and is never out to punish us. His heart is fully committed to being compassionate to his flock.
Matthew 1:41, " And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth [his] hand, and touched him, and saith unto him, I will; be thou clean".
What a perfect example of how compassion truly works! Jesus, not only, acted quickly to the needs of his people, he touched their heart with his love but here's the best part.... He cleanse them from inside out!Hallejuah!!!
Both parties received and accepted something through having compassion! Guess what???? What?? They were cleansed of their past strongholds and healed in the name of Jesus! Hallejuah!
What a bargain to gain! A two for one deal from the Almighty God We serve! Only Jesus can convict, heal and cleanse all at the same.So the next time, you question being compassionate towards someone else who didn't exchange the same spirit, think of Jesus! Remember Matthews 1:41.

Do you still love me?

2010-06-10T08:40:00.000-07:00

There are times in our lives when you question whether or not the Lord Almighty truly loves you!!
I will be as transparent as possible because I truly understand and I am struggling with those very thoughts.

How can the Lord truly love me? Why would He place me into a whirlwind of emotions? Why would He allow me to watch the bottom fall out from underneath the very people I love so much? What is he trying to teach me in this season?

I am gangsta right(LOL) so I went into the spirtual realm with tough questions, some multiple questions, yes/no and a few essays. I wanted my answers ASAP because I was hurting at the time and needed normalcy to relieve me of the insanity of that period.

All in a sudden, I heard His voice saying, Why would you think I didn't love you.....Did I not create you and made you for my image alone? Don't you ever believe that I forgot my vows to you!! Do you not think I am not protecting you from harm even NOW.....Remember I am God!!

When I wasn't saved, when things occurred to me which were less than favorable I usually fought back with anger or cried out (Lord), " Hey WHY WHY WHY ME(Lord)?Or What did I do to deserve this?"

But now, I know that these things happen to anyone who truly confesses that Lord Jesus Christ as their Savior.

Strongholds, persecutions, gossiping, bickering, and division in the Kingdom of God all happen because we do not battle against flesh but against the evil doing of Satan.

As I cried out to God on the behalf of my family....my initial prayer started out just praising the Lord asking for protection. I noticed that I cared less about my hurt or pain but more about the people who were involved.

I felt His presence in a way that is unexplainable to express but one thing, I do know is that, God is truly interested in our well being.

So do you really want to know what I am thinking? I know that He loves me!!

Am I engaged, Love?

2010-05-24T12:41:00.001-07:00

I am still pinching myself that I am engaged to be married to J!!
I haven't writing anything in almost a year because so much happened.

Brief summary......Met a counterfeit, things ended because the Lord was like oh you should have known better then I was back single again....then bingo my best friend and now my future husband got the official green light from God to court me!!

Yes, I am betrothed to J!! Yay Yippey Yay!!

Sounds quick right? But to be honest...the time was progressively slow before the green light. Since the pain I endured, inflicted by others but mainly by myself....I had to deal with those issues with my Love, Jesus Chrust.

I had to allow him to handle those tough days when I just wanted to be left alone and I didn't want those parts to be exposed. I needed to be married to Christ Jesus first before He would release me over to my future husband.

My Love did reveal to me 6 months prior that J was the one but I am so against it!! LOL You see J was the only man I had ever trusted as far as my feelings about Christ. I could discuss my love for my Love and he never questioned me. The other folks, were still trying to find their walk with Christ and I was always defending my relationship with God.
Yall know the story about unevenly yoked relationship BINGOOOOO!! LOL

In fact, J loved my Love more than I thought I did at times. He was open about his love for Jesus! For almost 7 years, he was faithful to God, obeyed the Lord, didn't date anyone in the church...... remained single until he was released to me. Something about him was attractive but I was happy that we were friends I wasn't even thinking about him in that matter. I was able to be myself around J. I allowed myself to be transparent. Part of my transparency made J resist asking me out prematurely. He wanted for me to be ready or just didn't think I was ready!! Either one, the Lord gave him the green light!! How amazing this process has been. I can only say every day I am in awe of the Lord love for me. I am so humble but I do deserve it!! Sorry I would be lying if I said something else. I deserve and I love being in love!! LOL greatness

I am loving my courtship process. I am enjoying it and not trying to get all deep or overanalyze what He has done or give advice as well......I am just trying to bask in my engagement with J and with Jesus!!

Purified Love

2009-07-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

As I was packing my things for my move, I realized how much I am still holding on to the portion of my past. I was cleaning out most intimate drawer and discovered that I am not as "pure" as the vows I made with the Lord.

My sinful past was deep rooted into sexual immorality and although, I have not broken my vows with the Lord or my "future" husband, I covered past up with clean things.

Matthew 7:6 - Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.

Sometimes we as saints, try to think for God like God....you seem busy right now, so let me handle this for you....I think I got this!As we try to be God, the Devil sits and watches and creep up in our relationships and our finances and we allow it to happen. We try to protect God instead of the reverse.

I realized that by keeping some of those things in my drawers as a just in case of emergency..... to protect myself....I was not trusting God!

I expected to be weak and for God not to be around to rescue me or "protect" me from my own urges.
I am supposed to be celibate, so why would I need to protect myself and from what? The Lord is my supplier!!

This was another time I had to put 100% trust in the Lord.

Believe me, I was praying like crazy, like dang Jesus I might need this one day lol....but I really don't need anything more than I need Jesus. So Goodbye adios past Hello Future!

As I threw away those things, I felt a sense of relief to this decision. No more hidden closets/drawers. No more allowing the Devil peek a boo aka pandora box attempt.
No more blemishes no more past coming at me from the sidelines.

I am washed in the Blood of Jesus and I want to continue to work on remaining that way but can you say the same?

Is it happening, Love?

2009-04-30T09:44:00.000-07:00

You know how you pray for something and when it appears you don't know what to do!
Like Lord is this for me? Like seriously? Something MUST be wrong with that person or the thing? Why NOW? LOL

Well, guess what, I am in that place right now.
I have prayed and prayed for the Lord to guide into the right hands.... as far as my ministries, as far as friends, as far as my careers, as far as being a good mother to Big A, and as far as one day being someone's wife.

For so long - I have been reading this same scripture over and over, " Teach me your way, O Lord; lead me in a straight path" Psalm 27:11.

But now that I am closer to my prayers being answered, I am feeling tempted to do my own thing.
Like thanks, Jesus for getting me here, but I think I should drive the rest of the way. And the Lord is like huh you are not ready to drive this mega truck!! I will continue you sit down and stop worrying your little head!! Relax yourself LOL

But is it happening, Love? I thank you in advance for your grace and your mercy.

So you ain't got no man, love?

2009-03-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

No No and in Spanish NO!!!

I think it must be a foreign to folks, who thought they knew me, to believe that I am SINGLE.
I would consider myself to have been a serial dater or a serious heartbreaker in my unsaved life.

Once I became saved, I felt like I was always defending my walk about how serious I was. Many residue (former partners) kept popping up, testing my realness with flirtation tactics or bringing up my past like hmm, you ain't no nun!

But those folks were hoping that my new lifestyle as a sister in Christ would be a fad. Betting on my failure and luckily for his favor on my life. Well, I made it!! I am making it and only with the grace from my Lord Jesus Christ can I continue to do so such.

No, I don't just want A man. I want to be someone's missing rib! I want an everlasting relationship with my future mate. But as of current, I still got some bags to be delivered to the Salvation Army. lol

My Puss Face

2009-03-11T19:44:00.000-07:00

I have been pondering this entry since my two close friend's got married over the weekend.
Like a stratch record, I heard yet again about my puss face. My serious face aka my Mean face aka My Daria face)

My puss face even has nicknames which birthed Brooklyn, Ms Stank and The Black Daria.

I remember as a little kid (4 years old), my mother and grandmother being told,"Wow, she is so serious and quiet." And this concern was really a compliment to my family so I thought yeah keep them happy.

Another flashback, I was eight on a summer vacation in Trinidad. my father entered me into a fashion show contest. My mother protested. She said to my father, " hmm Stacy is going to embarass you? And my father thought she has more clothes than all of these little girls in this village.....she is going to model!

Hence in America, models do not smile while walking down the runaway. I decided I would walk like an American model. I thought my family would be proud. I didn't realize that they had entered me into a GHETTO Trini children contest. With the neck popping and the hips swinging. Needless to say, my dad and mom was not feeling me. I lost to a little girl from a third world country with absolutely no clothes.

I think the official puss face started from there.
I thought smiling was phoney. People only smile when they want something and to appease you...they smile.
So I disliked smiling. I would crack a smile after a good joke but never with a long smile. My doctor once told me you are already getting frown lines on your face....Smile

I was staring at her like huh I am good. Just not planning to smile like a dang fool to make YOU happy. LOL

Majority of the time, my puss face has nothing to do with what I am thinking.
I am usually thinking, hmm I wonder if, I can get that discount from CVS or I hope I am not late for Alex.....you know, nothing BIG!

But the minority of the time, everyone tries to reflect on puss face where I am in another world.
Like Dang, she is mean!
I am not talkative person with strangers....I am sorry, I still believe in not talking to strangers. LOL
I am very shy and a sensitive person. So this is why the statement about my puss face bothers me. Really who smiles all the time except for a clown? And what are you really hiding underneath that mask?

If nothing, then same here....I have a puss face but it is what it is! Now if I steups, rolling my eyes, or a lot of steam coming from my face. Run Forrest Run!! LOL

Dance Love Dance!!

2009-02-27T09:20:00.000-08:00

Get your dance on!
Dance like David danced.
Forget your worries and submit them thru dance.
Dance yourself into your own greatness.
The Lord is on his throne and he is watching you.....
Dance!

Dance like today is your last day on this earth!
Dance because of your new joy and the promises which have been given to you
Dance, that bitterness off!
Dust your shoulders off and keep your dance going!
Get your dance on!
Dance like David danced.

See only your audience member, Christ!
No one came to see you but him.
oh how amazing is that?
He paid to see you and the price for admission cost was high
His light is shining on the stage.
Dance
The darkness of the auditorium, dimness and you are nervous to dance in front of HIM.
But when the lights came on you missed a step but you kept dancing
He watched your every move and applauded!
He loved your dance
Keep Dancing like David danced!
Dance Dance Dance!!

Forgive me please, Love?

2009-02-27T09:02:00.000-08:00

Oh how I need your forgiveness, Love?
Our relationship has been strained recently.
I have not been at your feet, asking for your guidance in a while.
I keep wanting not to bother you with my troubles.
I try to do it on my own and not speak with you.
Oh how I need your forgiveness, Love?

Some of my past crept into my present
But I want to remove all of my doubts
I want to love you the way you love me
I want to understand you more
I want to be intimate with you again
Oh how I need your forgiveness, Love?

Oh how I need to devote more time to you
Oh how I need you so
Can you please forgive me?
Can you please give me one more chance?
I won't say that I won't do it again because I would be lying
but my heart wants to so much prove to you how sorry I am
I want you to know that I don't plan on hurting you again.
Oh how I need your forgiveness, Love?

Stop moving, love!!!

2009-01-23T07:16:00.000-08:00

If anyone truly knows me, I am always on the run. I think it has to do with my childhood.
From the age of 12-14 years old, I suffered from loneliness because I was not allowed to go outside. I had to play alone so I was a bit sheltered. I would look out my 7th floor window and streams of envious tears would come down my cheeks cause I wanted to be outside. I felt so different for the rest of the kids. I wanted to fit in.
My puberty stage was very awkward....my feet were too big, my mother gave me a Afro/punk rock hairstyle, skipped a grade so I was in an exclusive class in an all black Middle School... hmm, I didn't have that many friends except for two or three and they were mad quiet.

I decided that I was going to rebel and in my rebellious stage I distanced myself from God.
In my eyes, hmmm why would GOD want me to be unhappy, why would he keep me sad and alone.....why did I deserve this??? Although, it was only HIM who keep my grades were extremely high, gave me favor, who I would talk and share my dreams. I wanted OUT of that relationship.....it seemed boring. Look at everyone's having FUN FUN FUN.....Fun I thought!!

Satan offered me what I thought was a way out, but that way OUT was away from God's kingdom. And hello, do you know I was more sad, depressed, lonely without that relationship I kicked to the curb with my precious Lord. But hey, I was MOVING so I thought.

So while I was on the GO....God was screaming - Wait on me- Stop Moving, Love!! I was not trying to hear HIM. So many things happened in my moving days.....some I have shared already and others which I has been left at the altar. Let God deal with those burdens - I will admit I was not strong enough to fight those battles without God.

I thought enough was enough and wanted to bond back with God. Cause I remember those days just hanging out with him. I was so innocent just happy to be in his presence....so grateful so in love.....dealing with him alone. That's the day I gave my life back to him - God restored my life - I promised God that I would do what was expected of me.

Well, two weeks ago, I felt God saying to me Stop Moving, Love!! Stand Still....Forget about man, your friends, SEEK my FACE!! Stop moving, Love!!

I paused and just distanced myself from folks - intentionally because when I was alone and I didn't have anyone there for me but God!!
But a part of me was being that rebellious fool because I didn't want to be "alone" again. I wanted the lesson to be learned quickly. I wanted to keep it MOVING.

It didn't happen that way....I fell literally and not only did I fall again.....I fell hard and got injured in the process. You see the lesson was that I was getting too "vain", selfish, and showing off on my many blessings in the present and on the future. I was so hyped that my head got a bigger than my shoulders.....I started broading my shoulders and boommm - I fell!! I cannot even say what I was thinking before I fell but it was not Godly!! But that pain become a reminder that the only shoulder that should be broaden is from GOD's not mine.

God said "Let them see you transparently as I do....let them see how beautiful you appear to me......Stop moving, Love!! And SEEK me only. You need to stop moving, stop worrying cause everything is ok cause I got you, stop listening to other people they ain't ME, stop believing the Devil he wants to kill and destroy you, Humble yourself in my sight now......Stop Moving, Love!!

Stop Moving, Love!!

Testimonial Love

2009-01-12T18:26:00.000-08:00

So after my testimony on New Year's Eve at church, I was having such a good time. God just anointed me to a point I have never experienced or could express in words. I felt like I was dancing with Jesus just lettting him know how much I LOVE HIM. How much he has brought me through and how he is so amazing. I had my Moses glow after he came out of the mountains lol and my David praise one. I was in that place with Jesus for like three days and then Satan sent his troops back at me in FULL force.

My testimony totally exposed me to so many demonic forces from my past or just a new breed of wickedness.

I felt Satan's presence and I tried to praise the Lord but stimulateously, I was fasting all types of music as well as givin up TV during the weekday (6 months) YIKES.

Well Satan had his opportunity to try to trip me up mentally. He got in for a minute I must admit because my prayer/worship life seemed to suffer because I was able to listen to gospel music. I started feeling a little distant but I kept speaking life into myself by my writings and also my discussions alone.
Finally, yesterday as I was walking into the sanctuary, I asked the Lord for a sign and for his presence to show up in my life in a mighty way. I needed him so much at that time.

As I was sitting in service, I was just listening to everything being done and looking for clues from the Lord to snap me out of my funk. And when I was not even expected it, one of my church friends came over to me during altar call and said come with me.

Oh, how Amazing is my God? How is that possible? He uses people, things and memories to align you back to his Word. Oh, as I cried out to him he answered my prayers. He has never failed me yet. That moment at the altar has allowed me to place all of my issues at his feet. I know he will do all that is supposed to be done. I leave it in his hands completely.

It's a New Year, LOVE

2009-01-01T08:47:00.000-08:00

From 10 pm of December 31, 2008 until now, I felt this shift in my spirit of peace. As if I fully gave God FULL control of my life. I just felt him lift off all of the pain, strongholds, the bitterness, resentments, and just my past leave my soul. Oh oh oh how I dance like David for the Lord. Oh how I love him my LOVE so....there is no one more worthy for your deserving praise. Hallejuah!!

Comedic Love

2008-12-21T14:57:00.000-08:00

I think when God created me, probably said, "Let's sprinkle some intelligence, some looks lol, a little or oh no I think we might have to use the whole bottle of humor on this one! LOL

Honesty, I remember from the age of 5, I was performing with my friends or my adult extending aunts and uncles who came from Trinidad & Tobago. You see my mother & grandma had more immigrants which bunked in our house more than Harriet Tubman had runaway slaves. lol

It seems that every refugee or "visitor" who arrives in the States lol, would lie to my mother and grandma that they only needed to stay at our house for two weeks to get themselves together. Well, that never happened because they always stayed pass two weeks. Let's say almost 20 years lol
I never had my own bed officially until I was 17, I do believe around that time, sleeping with your grandmother became LAME lol Now you see why I did not have a boyfriend until that age.

But anywho, I would seem quiet around folks but I was paying attention to dialect for jokes, odd features/appearances and etc. I can do a mean impressions of folks around me.
My nickname in which i am most fond of is Crazy Stacy lol. And I checked with my mental health doctor and I am not mental, yet, I just know folks gravitate to my foolishness. LOL Right now, my bed is calling me like R. Kels lol

Dear Love - submission early 2008

2008-12-21T14:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Love,

I know you probably would never understand how I feel about you but you should since you are a man of God. Before I was saved, I used to put all of my efforts into the wrong kind of man. Until God rescued me from those strongholds of hurt and pain and lack of trust. I fell back in love with the Lord and in that I fell in love with myself.

But never would i have thought I would have fallen in love with you? It seems as if I met you centuries ago. As if, we were designed JUST for one another.

But again God knows everything that is in my heart so I leave it only in his hands if we were supposed to become a reality. There are times I just get the desire to pray for you.

Sometimes I go into my own dreamland like 'Oh I know the heavens dance every time they see his handsome face.'

But you are not just handsome, you are intelligent, gentle but strong, assertive but down to earth but I forgot to say this you love you some Jesus. Let me say that again lol does everybody know Dear Love, LOVE him some Jesus!! But you know what??? Jesus loves him some Dear Love. It shows in your walk with him.

I look at you in amazement. I pinch myself because you seem so surreal to me. I want you to know that I have prayed for you before you never existed. I prayed for someone just like you and once you appeared I could not believe it.

I would watch your mannerism from afar. It allowed me to see if you were truthful in your walk. I saw you hold babies, worship, and laugh all at the same time with ease. I am so blessed to have met you. You have truly allowed me to witness that there is a God. That God heard my cries, "Oh Lord I have been faithful to you, haven't I? Will I ever find a true Dear Love?"

Mostly likely you will never receive my letter or never know that this letter was only for you, Dear Love.

Before the end of my Love

2008-12-18T21:31:00.001-08:00

So I wrote this letter to my future man of God. I would read it and start crying. It was so beautiful and really exposed my love for the man who does exist but doesn't exist in my life as of yet. As I wait for him but not urging for him because I feel his existence. I became afraid to share my feelings with others.
I have a hard time sharing my feelings because the wrong people have tried to use it for their advantage. Now I feel the Lord nudging me to share my letter to everyone. Oh I wish I never wrote it lol but it was my true feelings on paper.
I used to be so afraid to open up and allow others to know what I was feeling.

I was a nerd all of my life , my last name allowed me to be constantly teased and I was always considered cute like a puppy. I had some self-esteem issues for most of elementary until HS when I just decided that enough was enough.
I remember looking at the mirror at 12 saying look at you. you are so ugly nobody would want you. It took years and years of tragedy in my life for me to identify myself as beautiful and worthwhile for a man spending the rest of his life with me.
Yes, I was married but I knew it was not going to be forever. I knew that from the day he proposed. Any who I am still avoiding the submission. I will place it on here but I will need your comments afterwards. Peace and blessing.

Confessional Love

2008-12-18T21:00:00.000-08:00

Recently, I have been confessing my love for Jesus more but only to him. I have been embarassed to say this. But I start off with a small praise which ends up with me crying, snotty nose but filled with joy. The Lord has done some amazing things with me in JUST one year. Can you believe he has been using me like clay? Molding me into his designed beauty.

He pulled me out of a failed relationships, a nervous breakdown, meaningless job, no employment, brought me closer to him!! And all was through my trust in him!! All things seem possible now. But my confessions have been so important to me. I feel my life blossoming, my life in his hands and just his blessings on my life. Oh how I praise him! Oh how he has sustained me!!! Oh how he has protected me from diseases and other illnesses which could have taken my life!!! Oh how he has taken me from being a sinner with his grace and mercy on my life.

I confess to him all the trials and tribulations that he saw me go thru but he knew and knows he got a better situation for me. I pray he uses me at his will. I follow with absolute submission. I cry out to him use me LORD use me!! My weariness is nothing cause it is temporary. I know I have you!!

Waiting for Love

2008-12-07T18:25:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling confused how I receive or am I prepared to receive my man of Gawd if he were to walk into my life right now.
The answer is no - most likely he could be in my life right now and I know for a fact I am not prepared for him. With all of my materialistic blessings, I know that's not enough for my man of Gawd. I know in my heart that he is not in prepared for me as well. I know he is working on being a blessing to our future children as well as to me. His preparation is occurring simulateously with mine. We both are in preparation mode.

But at the same time, the DEVIL, hmm he is trying to bring people, things and etc to move us away from the Kingdom as well as what has already been designed by God.
This weekend, I remember hearing the Devil whisper hmm you need to get a man soon cause hmm your egg is going to dry up and you will end up making a disabled baby. I got a quick feeling of wow that might.....and then the story about Sarah and Elizabeth popped up into my mind.
And I fell back like no the Devil look what "your" planning did to my life....I got married at an early age, I had my son although he is a blessing. I planned ahead of God cause it was all about me me me. God forgave me but at the same time I am still hard on myself for I don't want to go there again.

Recently, I am fellowship with more Christian men and developing friendships and I keep hearing the Devil whisper to me...you know he is not interesting in you unless you do such and such or why don't you say something or you are in the single ministry for life, never will you break that curse!!
I dispell that existence on my life. I know that waiting on the Lord is the only option I have. I keep looking at my past and that it is the most SCARIEST thing to me. I cannot go back to those days. I refuse there is nothing in my past as far as relationships that would make me what to go backwards.
I am just waiting patiently.

Hope/Faith Love

2008-12-02T16:30:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, I was listening to a conversation from a saint at church, who stated Hope, Jesus and her are TIED to the hip. As I was being nosey, I wondered if thought about her faith as well.
And then I also thought about myself. The word hope to me always was like saying maybe it could happen. And since I am visionary - I love dreaming and very optimistic about everything I rather say it going to happen than say I hope it happens. I know it was very individualistic. As my walk with Jesus, straighten and my faith expanded I realized that my hope is waiting on the Lord's blessing for my life. I am a mere puppet and he is the puppet master!

Used to have a list of hope or wish for my life; like I hope to have 2 to 3 more kids, to get married again, to own a better house, to get a Jaguar, to go to Africa, to travel around the world before I am 50, to see my great grandchild marry.......on and on!! A lot of hoping but when I think about my faith in Jesus. I know that he already know my list of hopes and whether or not he allows them to come to fruition is unimportant to me. Just knowing he has everything under control is exciting. I am in GOOD hands like Allstate lol

Grateful Love

2008-11-22T21:03:00.000-08:00

Grateful Love -

There are times when you think no one cares, no one sees you. Like those days when you got on shirt with holes in it, no makeup, your hair is all busted....those are the days you will see someone who you don't wanna see. Or maybe when you are testifying to the Lord pouring yourself out thinking you are alone but you open your eyes and realize that others were watching.

Do you stop being grateful?

I am selfless in my giving (my last dollar literally has been given to someone more deserving) and at times I don't know how to take a compliment. A broken past made me jaded about compliments from others. I saw it as someone being phoney or just wanting something in return. So in the beginning of my walk with Christ, I also struggled with praising and complimenting him for all he has set in my path.

I was grateful but with folks I would be like whatever man. I am grateful to God but you...hmm you got be up to something. lol

One day, I found my thank you journal which I wrote 9 years ago before being saved. And it was as if God set it up for me to write things I didn't understand at the time but to minister to me in the future. I was amazed at how Christ centered and how grateful I was. From that moment, my Holy Ghost took over and I made a promise to the Lord that everyday I would continue writing quotes/quotations to him only.

I wanted him to know how I felt about him but never never ever could I have imagined that other folks were reading it and being inspired.

Oh ok, so what if it is in the public view as a part of my signature or plastered on my facebook status. LOL

I still was in my own zone that the world was not paying attention to my walk with Christ. Although, I was doing everything to please him, I thought others were doing the same. LOL

Or at least they should be.

So every day, I would write a quote or a devotional and someone would comment on them. At first, I would get annoyed like mind your business....don't you see this is an A and B conversation with Jesus? LOL

My God is funny, he kept folks rolling in with comments where it would minister to me and it force me to study my Bible more. So I would find catchy rap quotes or songs that ministered to me some days, being lazy....those days I got few comments except Bk you got the wrong artists lol

But the ones which were original, I would get comments from folks I did not even realized was reading my quotes. There were not my close friends which we expected to have something to say. They came from folks I didn't know all that well who have been watching me from afar and needed for me to know how grateful they are. That my quotes were ministering to their spirits....keeping them!!

What do you say to someone after they give YOU praise?

Psalm 139:17-18 - How precious also are thy thought unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

The grateful love of the Lord Jesus Christ, how there is no sum, no sand, no nothing that can measure the gratefulness my Lord has for us all. So in my gratitude for all that he does for me or did for me.... I am grateful that he is allowing me to ministering to others. That they can see how grateful love is.

Almighty Love Everyday Xtra-Ordinary = Alex's Love

2008-11-17T09:11:00.000-08:00

Everyday is another day I will never have with you
Everyday I am awaken by your sight
Everyday my love grows for you
Everyday I see myself more in you
Everyday I wonder what life would be without you
Everyday is a blessing
Everyday I pray for that you stay as a child of God
Everyday I wish we could dance to the music that bonds us
Everyday I listen for your breathing to be normal
Everyday I cannot wait to see your smile
Everyday that you are alive is another day I am alive
Almighty Love Everyday is Xtra-ordinary because of you
Alex

Last Donut Ride Entry from 9/2006

2008-11-14T09:59:00.000-08:00

I have had many failed relationships and since then I have experienced a lot of self-doubt regarding whether or not I will ever be able to trust or fully love someone. I do believe that your first experience with love pre-destined for either failure or happiness.
I was 9 and he was 9. I gave my all to our puppy love and I called him every day. Listened to his corny little stories and talked to him about his family and just thought I was being the best “potential” girlfriend. But he was hormonal and my best friend had more visual attractions that I did and I was not able to provide the hormonal satisfaction as my best friend could. He fell for her hard and she lied to me and stated that she did not like him but later I found out that she loved the attention from him and did not want to hurt my feelings. I was their little pawn to get them to speak to one another on the phone because I had three way calling.

The day that finally crushed my spirits and set up as the pattern for failed relationships for me was my graduation trip to Sesame Place . My crush, my best friend and I were going onto the donut water ride together and you could either choose a two seater donut or one seater. I was on the line, picked one seat donut thinking that all of us would do the same. He chose two-seater and then asked my best friend if she wanted to go with him. In a flash, I realized I was not being included and that he was finally made the choice that he was going ask her out while I was standing there getting green with envy. I did not exist in their world and I went onto the ride bitter and shut down emotionally saying to myself I would never open myself to anyone again. I never spoke to either of them afterwards and this pattern has occurred in majority of my relationships with men and women.
In turning 30 recently, I have been doing a self-assessment and through a friend realized that I don’t deal with rejection very well. For years, my patterns are basically dating people who are either physically or mentally far away from me, interested in only open/friends with benefits or too attached in the beginning of our relationships. All of them have resulted to short-term relationships, back-to-back rebound relationship, and unhappy open relationships with someone who did not deserve my time.
In retrospect, I only fell in love once and that one time was with someone who was totally different from my norm. I met him when I decided I wanted a change in my life and I was just taking care of myself and did not want to be with anyone because I had gotten hurt one too many times. I was not looking for him and vice versa. I felt the connection instantly while in his presence and I yearn in find a way to get know him but I did not want to be the first one. He also felt the same way and afterwards our ride was spiritual. The journey was well needed for me to see that love happens when you least expect it.
Our relationship was short but sweet. And when it ended I wanted to find those qualities in others and it could never amount for me with anyone else. No one has measured to him in my heart and mind as of yet. I thought I could moved on and I just felt like a failure, rejected and hurt and got into a relationship with the wrong persons and ended up pregnant. My pregnancy was so lonely for me in the beginning until I realized that hey there is someone who will love me for me very soon and I better get my life in order quick fast. It was time for me to look within myself and find that little girl who was crying inside because that boy did not pick her was now picking herself to date.
My son was my wake up call that unconditional love does exist and that I needed to let go of that baggage of rejection and start trusting that I am worth it for someone to go the extra mile for me.
Rejection only makes you stronger so you can face the right person in their eyes and say I love you and get the same word returned to you. I realized that I loved the idea of being loved and want to be loved. I want flowers on Valentines Day’s, I want kisses on my forehead, cheeks and neck to mean something, I want to be able to talk about everything and anything and not be judged and I want someone to have my back at the end of the day.
I want to take that donut ride with someone.

Leave me Alone love

2008-11-13T21:09:00.000-08:00

So many of you have experienced during your walk with Christ that folks who were unhealthy from your past just seem to pop up. It could be an older drinking partner, an ex who played you and now suddenly they found your number. Just someone you need to say in your best Godly voice .....LEAVE ME ALONE LOVE.

While chatting with them you are probably thinking that's the DEVIL, right?
Oh, now that it's my anniversary for no dates or no sinful activity you are going to just roll up on me to test me now....LEAVE ME ALONE LOVE.

Let me give you a hint when it is a test....that person usually uses a lot of excuses or no fruit has blossomed on their tree since the time you guys last spoke. Mad fig leaves blowing your way. Got excuses why church, God and everything holy ain't for them...Please say to them LEAVE ME ALONE LOVE.

I had to do the whole LEAVE ME ALONE LOVE speech recently but I didn't do it the way I was feeling it. I did it through my testimony for my love for Christ Jesus. I felt like this person was the wicked witch from the East and it rained on their parade. I heard the I am melting I am melting part as I said so eloquently ....LEAVE ME ALONE LOVE.
One Battle - many more to engage in during my lifetime. lol

Counting my Father's Love

2008-11-13T09:57:00.000-08:00

I was really thinking about my father's love. Well my biological one not my spiritual one. I can talk about my spiritual father all day but my biological hmmm all of my memories involve "counting".

My first memory with my dad starts with a white and light blue striped bike with a basket filled of pennies. I was so excited when I got it cause while I was "counting" the pennies, my mother was arguing with him about where he got the bike from.
Of course my dad didn't buy it...he got it through his illegimate dealings from what I gathered listening to their conversations. I got a bike from my daddy who I had just met and didn't even know exist cause I was told that he was dead. He seemed nice to me so I rode the bike filled with pennies.

The next time I would see my father, I do believe I was 6 or 7, he invited me to his new form of employment, a local bodega. I became a cashier with Maria, the owner. I was instantly loved by Maria cause at 6, I could "count" and give exact change. Actually better than Maria and many of the customers were a bit shocked that I didn't need a calculator. I was well-known in the store and I used to wonder why some customers never returned from their one-way visits to the bodega. I never asked my father cause I was just too excited that we were spending time. But one day, I brought it to my mother's attention that Maria was arguing with a customer who didn't appear too well to me. And some other man came out from the back. I never saw him before and he was talking in Spanish.
Little did they know I understood Spanish enough to know that money was involved and "counting" cash properly was a part of that conversation.

Well after that, I saw him every so often when my mother would allow it.
Our next encounter with my dad would be my 16th birthday party where I went from being a normal kid to very well-known in HS as well as in my neighborhood. He was invited to help cook and be a part of the best and worst day of my life.
My house was so packed with folks I had never met and I told by my mother to reduce the "amount" of folks or she was shutting it down. My dad turned on the lights (bad right) and asked me to "count" out the folks I didn't know. As folks tried to hide behind chairs so that they could stay, my dad told the DJ to stop the music. He smelled something which he knew better that the rest of us didn't belong at his daughter's b-day party. He went thru everyone's pockets like cop and the party ended right afterwards.
Although, everyone said that was the BEST party they had ever went to. I was mortified by his sudden parental ability.

But in those memories of my dad, my spiritual Father, Jesus was always "counted" for and always present.
He protected me when I was riding my bike and a car almost hit me, he was protecting me every time I was working in the bodega in which two shootings happened after I left with my dad to go home , and when someone threw a garbage can at my doorsteps at my 16th birthday party.

Jesus was there for all of my birthdays, all of my A's on my report card, during my studying for standardized tests, when I skipped a grade and got depressed at 12 because I had low grades (86) lol

He was always there

My Love for Music - ramble

2008-11-12T13:02:00.001-08:00

So you all saw my famous pic of me with my headphones and my eyes closed. That pic is the very essence of how I worship as well as how I listen to music. I love music I love the way it feels. Certain songs can make me go from being sad to happy or even vice versa. Certain songs place me to particular memory where I can remember every detail from the person's clothing to their scent.

I have been told by many that my long term memory is not as sharp as it used to. lol
I was known for pulling memory "cards" out of a hat but now I am able to do that for certain periods of my life.

There are certains songs that are attached to memories for me. I remember listening to Up on the TreeTop by the Jackson 5 in my old living room in Brooklyn at 5 years old. I was in my pj's decorating the tree and looking at my grandma's 8 track recorder system.
I was placing the angel ornaments on the Tree when one broke. I have more details to this memory but I won't bore you. LOL

But there is a period in my time in which I still cannot remember. I suffered from post-traumatic disorder so many memories I am still unable to recall. Also during that time I didn't listen too much music. I do believe that my lack of listening to music in that period contributed to my severe post-traumatic disorder. Or maybe vice versa, either way I don't remember much from that period. There are sections of my life which are still blurry to me. I have to have folks remind me about memories which I am still like I did that to whom? Really, are you sure I said that her? oh really!! Wow I am happy I forgot that!! LOL

During my pregnancy which is one of my best periods of my life .....many memories came back which remember of my love for music as my love for Jesus. I had went a lot with my son's father and I really saying to God I only have you now. I will trust in through out this period if you just give me a sign. My sign was a song which ignited my spiritual flame as well as my submission to Christ.

The song was secular but it gave me a memory of when I used to walk with Jesus literally. When he was hanging out with me on Hicks Street in Brooklyn and I only had him to appreciate the fall leaves crushing under my tan Timbs. Yall know I am bit Urban so stop laughing out loud but as the crushed fall leaves was underneath my Timbs, I was bopping my head to music and intaking the memories of the blue sky, the buildings, the mothers with their strollers.

That particular day, I was praising him for allowing me one more day on the earth. As my relationship grows stronger in Christ, those memories are easier to bear but also knowing that music appears with my memories are exciting as well.

Love Ramble!!

2008-11-10T09:39:00.000-08:00

You ever wake up just in total bliss in love with.....JESUS.

Recently, I have been feeling this awwww, I love me some Jesus. I went into a whole sermon preaching to myself yesterday in my car. I wish I taped that conversation to remind myself of my passionate love.
I remember when my Reverend who passed away in July 2008, used to say all the time how much he LOVE Christ. And I asked him often have you ever loved any one else like that?
He told me no but I could not connect at that time.

It did inspire me to venture as to why I couldn't say that as well. I needed to be reassured by the Lord first that I could love him and he would love me the same way. He can love me the same cause he loves me more than I can every love him. His love is pure and my love at the time was a little jaded, a little experienced in pain. God had the same experience but he always was able to love me with purity and to forgive me and love me harder.

As my relationship with Jesus and my trust in him become stronger, my love has for him as well.
This love I have for Jesus is so passionate and just so HS feeling like. Like the first time, you received a letter from a secret admirer and you wonder how he looks and etc. I find myself feeling the same way like this journey with Christ is so amazing. Everything is so perfect in his eyes!! Even me!! Even me with a past full of sin....he still love me!!

There are times I am in the sanctuary and I feel his presence and no one else exist to me. I am so involved with him. Closest feeling to that was the day my son was born. When he looked up at me from his struggles in my womb and our eyes connected it was as if no one else existed. My eyes were set on him. No one else existed but him to me.

But my love for God is more grand than that. Even that memory is so small in comparison to my love for God. It seems impossible to unbelievers but to sanctified, holyified creature, your love for the Lord will seem like you want to be as perfect as possible for him only.

Everyone else just does not exist. I love my son and my family but the love I have for the Lord is unmeasurable.

I

Obedient Love

2008-09-20T20:50:00.001-07:00

I have five weddings to go to in the next three years and I am already putting it into the atmosphere that one of them is my own. What!!
Wait, many of you are saying....Brooklyn, you ain't got a man of God yet? Smile

I am blessing myself folks, I am placing supernatural thoughts out there. I have struggled in the area of obedience with wanting a relationship for years.

I didn't obey God's wishes. I wanted to be like the rest of my friends who were boo'ed in long termed relationships. So I would date men who were infaturated or obsessed with me as their trophy girlfriend or wife. From my ex-hubby, son's father to others, I was not interested in them as a husband or a forever kind of relationship. I made myself think I was but I was not.

I thought that by sticking it out, I was being obedient to the relationship. Remember what I just said I thought.
Wrong because initially my reg flags from the Lord was RUN, GET OUT OF THERE, IS HE SERIOUS?, BE JUST HIS FRIEND, DON'T GO THERE, HMMM, HE IS A PLAYER!!

I have a visions or dreams from time to time. One of my close friends which I am in her bridal party, I prophetised her own life in 2005 to the T. She was not even dating anyone of importance. I kept telling her next year you will meet your future husband.
When I see visions of other people's lives, I get all excited but I keep saying to them be patient and wait on the Lord.

Oh my my my but do I listen to my own advice?...hmmm!!! I got my own vision recently about my own wedding and was like are you serious Lord?.... is that really going to happen to me.... I got all elated and wanted it to happen right then and there.
I wanted to run with it, find my man of God and go up to him and say, "so is gold, silver or champagne wine a nice color for our wedding theme?" lol

I was all excited and my friends was like, "what did God say to you?, Are you sure?, Wait, did you meet this man in your dreams?, Aren't you scared?, Who is this guy?, Did you see me there?, hmm, Brooklyn hmm?"

I got a great sense of discouragement instead of encouragement after discussing my vision. And I went back to the Lord and he was like I thought I encouraged you with the vision, insight and I wanted you to be patient. And you not WAITING. Listen to me ONLY it will happen.

Wow, I laid that onto the altar and BEGGED to be forgiven. "God, I am sorry cause I really loved my dress and was that Bishop? Please please hook it me up God!!" lol

I needed to learn how to be OBEDIENCE to God's will. You see my Lord will never fail me. He has delivered me out of some stuff yall so I know he got my man of God coming on a white horse with his handsome angel self.

Hymn section - How LONG shall I wait? Lord, how longgggg shall I waittttt on you, Jesus? LOL You see there I am being impatient again!!

But seriously, In Acts Chapter 4, Peter and John both was locked up in jail for the fact that they were identified as part of the 12 disciplines. A lame man who was healed by Jesus was like that's them two cats. They got locked up and instead of hiding, Peter and John was like oh yeah, they started shouting, blessing Jesus for his miracles he did on non-believers who became believers. The Acts chapter 4 speaks on their obedience to his Word which later they released from jail.

That scripture speaks to my soul because Release comes after being obedient to God's will. I welcome that release into the arms my man of God. What a wonderful wife I will be to him?

Obedience vs Disobeying my Lord Jesus Christ...hmmm....let me think? Have you read the Old Testament - Joshua, I Kings and II Kings, I Samuel, Genesis and Exodus?

God just boing out NATIONS like oh really hmm you gave me an offering with a specked animal, your burnt offering was lame, oh, you want to worship false IDOLS!!!!
God was like....hmmm you did not OBEY so you shall die!!

Side bar - Reading those books in Old Testament - I would never want to be in the shoes of a king or priest who just gotten that message delivered like oh alrightie God spoke!! I guess he was not playing with me!! LOL

God is God for REAL!!

So no, I will wait and obey but keep my visions and excitement to myself. Remember Joseph with his brothers.

Not everyone will celebrate your visions but that's another blog my brothers and sisters.

Divorce love

2008-09-18T06:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow September 19th will be my 5 years anniversary of one of my most painful relationships...it is the day of my divorce finalization.

Although, I shouldn't have gotten married to my ex for numerous reasons, the date still reminds me of that dark season. I wanted to be OUT of that relationship without healing and I moved into another unhealthy relationship with my son's father. I was deceived twice in a period of 3 years. I went into shock for survival in my time of dealing with life. My son's birth was my beginning of a new life of understanding. I was able to work out my guilt, pain and heartache thru his birth. I saw my joy in his birth and that I needed to change the way I saw my own existence. But I just recently was able to place my insecurities on this broken relationship onto the altar.
I gather enough strength to honor that relationship thru my relationship with the Lord.
I am not reflecting on that pain which has been washed away by the blood of Jesus. I know that I will have a successful marriage with my future man of God. I am so excited about that day....I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

Am I over it YET?

2008-07-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

I was the grudge queen or making up my face type of chick!! Am I over it YET? A good question and it was asked today. yo, are you really over that situation? If so then why is your demeanor still looking upset!!

Seriously I am over it YET? Cause the Lord is giving me the task to get over it!

I hope I deal with that task is another story but I am learning! LOL

No more grudges!! When something bothers me I remove myself from it now and start singing a hymn!!! Oh continuing saying to myself, "Stay Blessed fam. Stay blessed!! You are a warrior nothing can defeat you!"

I am over it!! Seriously, oh ok!! It still bothers me a little bit but I know it shouldn't. But the fact that you want it to bother me and it is not bothering me, bothers me!
Cause now I think you are doing it deliberately to annoy me. So now I am bothered when I said I was over it! ahhhhh but I am over it, really????

A Poem about Loving me

2008-07-10T03:13:00.000-07:00

The pain I feel you never will be able to understand cause Love has never been in love with me. Love has always been pain to me.

That painful love is all I knew. You see love, love was taken from me by force. Love was unworthy to me. Love was sinful and played my heart like a prisoner.

love was dark and my destruction. love was controlling. love, love was never my friend. love wanted me dead, left me for dead. love watched me die and laughed while I cried cried inside cause I continue to love love love love, love, love.

love never loved me but I watched love just walk away from me....laughing laughed just laughing at me.

love, why did you do this to me?

I realized I did it to myself when I love, love, more than myself. I met a different LOVE and I found out LOVE was kind, compassionate, and respectful. I saw LOVE in the eyes of a child. That child was me. I walked with LOVE and he embraced me.

My LOVE, said Sorry, sorry for all the sorrow which happened to you. My true LOVE loved me loving me. My true LOVE loved me. He LOVED me loving him. My LOVE loved me loving him.

LOVE loves me loving LOVE in turns LOVE loves me loving me.

Loving myself

2008-07-09T12:04:00.000-07:00

For a long time I thought I had it all together. I would say I love myself cause my appearance to others seemed as if I were strong.
I would bounce back from failed relationships and move on so quickly without a blink of an eye without a recovery. Those relationship appears to me like they never existed. Those folks did not matter to me and hmm they were afraid to be in presence. For years, no one wanted to be on my bad side. I was feared and being powerful gave me a thrill for a minute until my inside would burn cause I didn't like the feeling. I was hurt that people could not see my true essence. I was innocent, sweet, kind-hearted but guarded and bruised from a past which I wanted so hard to forget. I wanted so much for others to see me as I really was. But then I would be a punk, right?

You see this is where God stepped in. He was like, "I am tired of hearing you cry to me day and night. Praying for love, praying for a good relationship with a mate, with your family and your friends, and people knowing the true you. I am testing you again, we need some alone time." Well, that alone time was deep it was not fun, it was painful and DARK but when you are alone with God. You only listen man you listen!!
He said" Love me first". I fought back for a minute and just thought I could do me. That attitude with the neck rolling like I don't neeeed you!!

Surprise!!! I need him and only Solus Christus and I cried towards him and he was there for me. God brought me out of all of that and saw me as I always saw myself. As one of his children!!God truly loves me and vice versa. That day I submitted to his Will and put him first in my life. Boy has my life changed.
Everything I have prayed for has not happened cause I have no control of that only God. I am fine with that cause my new saved life is infinitely better.

Loving myself part II

2008-07-07T18:31:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

This is Big Tash just talking from my own experience. Loving yourself is not easy and we all say that phrase at times either to shut folks up after a horrible break-up, it just sounds good saying or cause you truly mean it.

For years, I would say I love myself but then engage myself in relationships with men who did not truly love me. But I would continue along with the whole notation that yeah I still love myself. I took time out to be alone, ate alone, slept alone, went to work alone....notice all the alone time which made me feel like HEY I truly love myself.

It was until I was placed in a position where I found that my ex was dating me and several other people that I found out how much I loved myself. You see one part of me wanted to be so spiteful and make his LIFE a living H but hmm here is where the love part came in.

God entered with awesome presence. He said, "I always loved you even when you didn't and you deserve better. You know I love you, right?...... but why don't you love me first? Give up that sinful life!!"

It was scary cause I always thought I love myself and trusted myself but after reviewing the several failed relationships. Inever put trust in God, I only trusted my judgement.

Pain, rejection, depression, and listening to liars.

I submitted to trusting him and only him and that's when loving myself truly happened. I looked at myself and I trust only you, Lord. Please allow me to love myself more. And it is happening. I am still single but I know God is an awesome God and he already know who's my partner is. Please holla back with your comments.