Learning to Love, LOVE

Its been so many years since I wrote on this blog to my Love but I got a desire this morning to share.

When I started this blog, I also started my walk with Christ (Love) and I was fired UP for my relationship with Him.  It was pure and new and challenging but fun and I enjoyed the journey.  I was single, then I would end up dating someone who was not equally yoked with my faith, things would eventually fall out because I would have strong convictions from within.

I have talked about my struggles in previous blog posts but I might as well fill you in again, but I am a SURVIVOR of sexual assault which happened in my teens.  Many might see it as an excuse but for those who understand promiscuous behavior, it normally happens to survivors who felt like they didn't have any control of the assault. 

I tried to remain celibate for a few years after I have become SAVED and stayed away from men because I knew what my downfall was.   SEX was a void filler for me and I have never fully allowed someone to be close to my heart to love ME.   In all of my years, I had never been in love with God or a man.  I remain a virgin in my actions as far as being in love and feeling loved.   I chose men who were detached in their feelings since i was also detached. 

So as I took on the vow to be celibate until I got married until I found HIM in my next suitor which needed to be like minded in faith.

This is where I thought my EX husband was the one!!  Sadly, I was fooled, my discernment was off and fell into the WRONG relationship.  I connected myself with a spirit which I was not healthy for me.    I was not truly able to open up to the Lord anymore.  I blamed myself for not listening to those around me. 

I became disenchanted by life and loving God was much harder for me.  In both of my marriages felt very lonely and depressed.  But in my last marriage, I was embarrassed that it failed and I was the only one trying to save it.   I blamed myself as I had blamed myself for my assault.  I tried to pass over my feelings by avoiding my feelings but I was angry!!

The numerous failed relationships, made me broken as far as trying to be loved and farther away from loving, LOVE.  As much as I tried to hide my feelings, the more I rebelled and tried to kill my spirit and fell further into sin.  

It took me becoming pregnant with my daughter to really WAKE up and assess my life with God and with myself.   She was my fall out of sin.  She was my grace.  

The journey has been painful, revealing and required.  It allowed LOVE to enter my soul correctly. His ways is releasing me OUT from the murky waters I laid in.   I did the work with my therapist for months and found a new ME.  One who had to re-design what I see my life looking like in the future.  One with accountabilities which allows me to make mistakes but know that He is always protecting me.  One who wants to start over being single and make vows to be celibate until marriage to God's best.

This healing process is truly allowing me to love, Love differently.

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I haven't forgotten about you, Love

It's been one year since my last post and owwweeee much has changed but much has been the same.
My relationship with my Love has been challenging.
Many times you fall in love with Jesus and we make up stuff in our heads about what He is like, how you are supposed to act.
 We become this person He is probably looking around wondering WHAT DID I CREATE LOL

Well, I know for myself that I became someone I know would not enter into heaven.
I asked for forgiveness but I haven't always been forgave
I asked for trust but I haven't always been trustworthy
I asked for love but I haven't always been loveable
I asked for friendship but I haven't always been a friends

But one thing I was able to confirm during this person is that I am hater, meanie, gossiper, liar and I was just in the mix of sins which I remember I gave up my life to.

Thank God for His grace and mercy and repentance!
One day, I just woke up thinking you are not all that LADY, GET IT TOGETHER!
You may have forgotten about your Love!

I needed to start all over again with Jesus
I am still trying to fall back in Love with my Love

I am glad that I haven't forgotten about you, Love

Birthday Love

So today is my grandma's 82nd Birthday and I want to say so much about her and to her yet why is it so difficult?
Sometimes when we love someone so much it is hard for us to say the right things....either we forget, we are embarrassed or afraid to say what we think because we pray that the other end feels the same way about us.

I have never experienced that kind of love from my grandma...she is so selfless.  I can omit that I have not been selfless like her.   In fact, i have been selfish.lol    It reminds me of how I treat Jesus at times.   He keeps loving me unconditionally and we keep acting like He hasn't expressed his overwhelming love.

My grandma was my first interaction with my faith building.   I remember at 5 years old praying with her....She had a stack of prayers that she would unfold out of her address book and we would recite them together at 5:15 am every morning.  I enjoyed praying with her.   I learned how to be a prayer warrior from those early days.  It funny but she has started to read the same prayers to Alexander.

She was my first mentor...my grandma worked HARD every single day...she would made a full course Sunday meals before 10 am, we would have grandma and Stacy Saturday adventures.  I love them so much because they always ended up with me getting either pizza or McDonald's.   Smiling right now because I miss those days.

 I learned that you should play hard and work hard.   Our house was always filled with people and love.   It was amazing how she would extended family for years....we share a queen size bed together and we would whisper bedtime stories and talk until we both feel asleep.

Today, I am so grateful to have my grandma....I know she is getting older and I want to appreciate every day of her life because I only have one grandma.   I love her so.   So congratulates to my grandma Vilma Theresa Roach for adding another years onto your plate.

UnAshamed Love

I am not ashamed of my love for you.  I am not ashamed to worship you - Unknown Author

How many times I thought just by worshiping, crying and praising God... it would display of my love for Christ and to other.   As I sang to myself I am unashamed unashamed.........was I really unashamed?

The last couple of weeks, God has released me from a place of comfort to yet again "the land of unknown".
If I go back to my past, I am aware that He has all intentions of USING my testimony to encourage others who are in a place of confusion.   Should I follow this path of righteous or the path of enemy?
I know God wants me to testify that even when I fell/got hurt/was depressed...The Lord always has my back.    I want to authentically be real....the road is scary....the road is lonely...but the road is worth it!!   I rather be a Christians over knowing that when I leave this earth I will be in living in hell.

But to be honest, I have grown accustom to my ministry, to my church membership and no this entitlements which come with being a leader.   To now, being the new kid on the block....but God knows I am no new kid and that I am ready to preach about his goodness via internet, in person, on my blog, and just unashamed!!

Who wants to start all over especially when you feel as if you have developed relationships and served faithfully as well as willingly.   But in the back of my head, I feel like I deserve to PROVE something to others.    I am really being unashamed???  Or is this just my pride or me being disobedient to God's will?   Well, it is because there is nothing I need to do but Love my neighbor and serve the Lord with my whole heart.

The Jesus I served does not have to prove anything to anyone because He is Who is He is because HE IS......So in my new journey of change in my ministry (church life) I am ready to meet new faces, talk about how wonderful the Lord has bless me and my family and continue to be that different Christian.... the young shepherd boy David.    The hidden king amongst his brothers.......I pray that Lord uses me as I am but groom me into the women of many purposes.

Please send me some encouraging thoughts and/or comments!!  As I will continue to pray for you and your family!!

You are totally in control, Love!!

Last weekend, I went through a breakthrough.  I have heard the word breakthrough many of times in gospel songs and from pastors but I have never really understood the term.

But last weekend, I went through a BREAKTHROUGH.   I can only explain through my own experience.  But I went through a change in my soul....from feeling like I was stuck, responsible for everyone else lives, never being able to move into my dreams or my purpose and i just felt chained in the normalcy of life.     I went this freeing moment when I decided to believe what I was promised to me by the Lord Jesus Christ.

As the blind man scales fell from his eyes after Jesus touched them with mud....so were my scales of doubt, shame, depression, and lack of growth!!  I decided that it was my time and no one waiting for stuff to happen.     But once I said it to myself....it seemed like it was so simple until an hour later.....the FEAR came in.  LOL

I got so scared of leave my comfortability...what if what if settled in.     Well thank God for church!

As I entered church after 3 months hiatus.   I just wanted to be spectator, you know take my time to open up once again and to just be like everyone else.  I didn't want to be different.  

God decided to burst my bubble once again to remind me that He is in FULL control.

I watched the Pastor digest and spit out the Word to a point that I was like dang I want to be this kind of preacher one day.  The pastor was so on point that the Holy ghost fell and he started to prophetize.   At first, I was a little screwed face because I usually can spot false prophets a mile away.  But everything he towards others seemed to be towards me.  I just decided to listen....better yet I stated taking notes to cover up that fact that God was talking to me through the Pastor.   I kept hearing Walking it out.....letting go the shackles on your feet...Loose demons chains off of your feet.      I kept on writing down since it didn't seem like God was talking to me through the Pastor and then a women sitting in front of me turned around got out of her seat and walked towards me......remember I am in church....remember that the congregation is about roughly 150 people.....remember that the pastor was preaching and prophetizing.......all I remembered hearing....Hey YOU God is calling YOU to WALK now.....!!! 

I know that many of times, we Christians, do the exercise of being a good Christian.....We go to church, we read our Bibles and we might even praise or we might worship but we cannot forget that God knows our heart, our soul and HE knows US.   We cannot pretend with Him.   

I needed for God to put me in the spotlight to release those my scales that had blinded me from my future!  I needed for them to fall so I could grow.   I needed for the Lord to let me know that He has been watching me all this time.  I needed to hear from the Lord that He has always been with me and He heard my laughter and cries.  


I needed to know that my Father was in total control.

You are totally in control, Love!!

Keep on my love....loving

Recently, I have been feeling discouraged about love.  Why am I going through so much hurt and pain due to others not loving me in the same matter.   During one of my moments with God that He clearly said, " Keep on my love..loving!!

What does that MEAN? I SCREAMED? LOL  Keep on my love loving?


When I don't understand what God is trying to say I usually go to the Bible or continue to pray on the situation but The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 10:13 - Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.  Do everything in love."

A Hard pill to swallow when someone in your inner circle does not do the same....Do everything in love.
During an mentored moment by my aunt, she said something which struck a cord in me.... Do what Christ is requiring of you and more.  God would never leave you nor forsake you.


 In my flesh, I wanted to say but He has but in His Word clearly states He wants ME to  Do Everything in Love.      

I believe that Christ exhibits love on an another level which we will never fully experience on this Earth but at least we can TRY to love unconditionally.

Today, I ask that you Do everything in love.