When I started this blog, I also started my walk with Christ (Love) and I was fired UP for my relationship with Him. It was pure and new and challenging but fun and I enjoyed the journey. I was single, then I would end up dating someone who was not equally yoked with my faith, things would eventually fall out because I would have strong convictions from within.
I have talked about my struggles in previous blog posts but I might as well fill you in again, but I am a SURVIVOR of sexual assault which happened in my teens. Many might see it as an excuse but for those who understand promiscuous behavior, it normally happens to survivors who felt like they didn't have any control of the assault.
I tried to remain celibate for a few years after I have become SAVED and stayed away from men because I knew what my downfall was. SEX was a void filler for me and I have never fully allowed someone to be close to my heart to love ME. In all of my years, I had never been in love with God or a man. I remain a virgin in my actions as far as being in love and feeling loved. I chose men who were detached in their feelings since i was also detached.
So as I took on the vow to be celibate until I got married until I found HIM in my next suitor which needed to be like minded in faith.
This is where I thought my EX husband was the one!! Sadly, I was fooled, my discernment was off and fell into the WRONG relationship. I connected myself with a spirit which I was not healthy for me. I was not truly able to open up to the Lord anymore. I blamed myself for not listening to those around me.
I became disenchanted by life and loving God was much harder for me. In both of my marriages felt very lonely and depressed. But in my last marriage, I was embarrassed that it failed and I was the only one trying to save it. I blamed myself as I had blamed myself for my assault. I tried to pass over my feelings by avoiding my feelings but I was angry!!
The numerous failed relationships, made me broken as far as trying to be loved and farther away from loving, LOVE. As much as I tried to hide my feelings, the more I rebelled and tried to kill my spirit and fell further into sin.
It took me becoming pregnant with my daughter to really WAKE up and assess my life with God and with myself. She was my fall out of sin. She was my grace.
The journey has been painful, revealing and required. It allowed LOVE to enter my soul correctly. His ways is releasing me OUT from the murky waters I laid in. I did the work with my therapist for months and found a new ME. One who had to re-design what I see my life looking like in the future. One with accountabilities which allows me to make mistakes but know that He is always protecting me. One who wants to start over being single and make vows to be celibate until marriage to God's best.
This healing process is truly allowing me to love, Love differently.
