Grateful Love

Grateful Love -

There are times when you think no one cares, no one sees you. Like those days when you got on shirt with holes in it, no makeup, your hair is all busted....those are the days you will see someone who you don't wanna see. Or maybe when you are testifying to the Lord pouring yourself out thinking you are alone but you open your eyes and realize that others were watching.

Do you stop being grateful?

I am selfless in my giving (my last dollar literally has been given to someone more deserving) and at times I don't know how to take a compliment. A broken past made me jaded about compliments from others. I saw it as someone being phoney or just wanting something in return. So in the beginning of my walk with Christ, I also struggled with praising and complimenting him for all he has set in my path.

I was grateful but with folks I would be like whatever man. I am grateful to God but you...hmm you got be up to something. lol

One day, I found my thank you journal which I wrote 9 years ago before being saved. And it was as if God set it up for me to write things I didn't understand at the time but to minister to me in the future. I was amazed at how Christ centered and how grateful I was. From that moment, my Holy Ghost took over and I made a promise to the Lord that everyday I would continue writing quotes/quotations to him only.

I wanted him to know how I felt about him but never never ever could I have imagined that other folks were reading it and being inspired.

Oh ok, so what if it is in the public view as a part of my signature or plastered on my facebook status. LOL

I still was in my own zone that the world was not paying attention to my walk with Christ. Although, I was doing everything to please him, I thought others were doing the same. LOL

Or at least they should be.

So every day, I would write a quote or a devotional and someone would comment on them. At first, I would get annoyed like mind your business....don't you see this is an A and B conversation with Jesus? LOL

My God is funny, he kept folks rolling in with comments where it would minister to me and it force me to study my Bible more. So I would find catchy rap quotes or songs that ministered to me some days, being lazy....those days I got few comments except Bk you got the wrong artists lol

But the ones which were original, I would get comments from folks I did not even realized was reading my quotes. There were not my close friends which we expected to have something to say. They came from folks I didn't know all that well who have been watching me from afar and needed for me to know how grateful they are. That my quotes were ministering to their spirits....keeping them!!

What do you say to someone after they give YOU praise?

Psalm 139:17-18 - How precious also are thy thought unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

The grateful love of the Lord Jesus Christ, how there is no sum, no sand, no nothing that can measure the gratefulness my Lord has for us all. So in my gratitude for all that he does for me or did for me.... I am grateful that he is allowing me to ministering to others. That they can see how grateful love is.

Almighty Love Everyday Xtra-Ordinary = Alex's Love

Everyday is another day I will never have with you
Everyday I am awaken by your sight
Everyday my love grows for you
Everyday I see myself more in you
Everyday I wonder what life would be without you
Everyday is a blessing
Everyday I pray for that you stay as a child of God
Everyday I wish we could dance to the music that bonds us
Everyday I listen for your breathing to be normal
Everyday I cannot wait to see your smile
Everyday that you are alive is another day I am alive
Almighty Love Everyday is Xtra-ordinary because of you
Alex

Last Donut Ride Entry from 9/2006

I have had many failed relationships and since then I have experienced a lot of self-doubt regarding whether or not I will ever be able to trust or fully love someone. I do believe that your first experience with love pre-destined for either failure or happiness.
I was 9 and he was 9. I gave my all to our puppy love and I called him every day. Listened to his corny little stories and talked to him about his family and just thought I was being the best “potential” girlfriend. But he was hormonal and my best friend had more visual attractions that I did and I was not able to provide the hormonal satisfaction as my best friend could. He fell for her hard and she lied to me and stated that she did not like him but later I found out that she loved the attention from him and did not want to hurt my feelings. I was their little pawn to get them to speak to one another on the phone because I had three way calling.

The day that finally crushed my spirits and set up as the pattern for failed relationships for me was my graduation trip to Sesame Place . My crush, my best friend and I were going onto the donut water ride together and you could either choose a two seater donut or one seater. I was on the line, picked one seat donut thinking that all of us would do the same. He chose two-seater and then asked my best friend if she wanted to go with him. In a flash, I realized I was not being included and that he was finally made the choice that he was going ask her out while I was standing there getting green with envy. I did not exist in their world and I went onto the ride bitter and shut down emotionally saying to myself I would never open myself to anyone again. I never spoke to either of them afterwards and this pattern has occurred in majority of my relationships with men and women.
In turning 30 recently, I have been doing a self-assessment and through a friend realized that I don’t deal with rejection very well. For years, my patterns are basically dating people who are either physically or mentally far away from me, interested in only open/friends with benefits or too attached in the beginning of our relationships. All of them have resulted to short-term relationships, back-to-back rebound relationship, and unhappy open relationships with someone who did not deserve my time.
In retrospect, I only fell in love once and that one time was with someone who was totally different from my norm. I met him when I decided I wanted a change in my life and I was just taking care of myself and did not want to be with anyone because I had gotten hurt one too many times. I was not looking for him and vice versa. I felt the connection instantly while in his presence and I yearn in find a way to get know him but I did not want to be the first one. He also felt the same way and afterwards our ride was spiritual. The journey was well needed for me to see that love happens when you least expect it.
Our relationship was short but sweet. And when it ended I wanted to find those qualities in others and it could never amount for me with anyone else. No one has measured to him in my heart and mind as of yet. I thought I could moved on and I just felt like a failure, rejected and hurt and got into a relationship with the wrong persons and ended up pregnant. My pregnancy was so lonely for me in the beginning until I realized that hey there is someone who will love me for me very soon and I better get my life in order quick fast. It was time for me to look within myself and find that little girl who was crying inside because that boy did not pick her was now picking herself to date.
My son was my wake up call that unconditional love does exist and that I needed to let go of that baggage of rejection and start trusting that I am worth it for someone to go the extra mile for me.
Rejection only makes you stronger so you can face the right person in their eyes and say I love you and get the same word returned to you. I realized that I loved the idea of being loved and want to be loved. I want flowers on Valentines Day’s, I want kisses on my forehead, cheeks and neck to mean something, I want to be able to talk about everything and anything and not be judged and I want someone to have my back at the end of the day.
I want to take that donut ride with someone.

Leave me Alone love

So many of you have experienced during your walk with Christ that folks who were unhealthy from your past just seem to pop up. It could be an older drinking partner, an ex who played you and now suddenly they found your number. Just someone you need to say in your best Godly voice .....LEAVE ME ALONE LOVE.

While chatting with them you are probably thinking that's the DEVIL, right?
Oh, now that it's my anniversary for no dates or no sinful activity you are going to just roll up on me to test me now....LEAVE ME ALONE LOVE.

Let me give you a hint when it is a test....that person usually uses a lot of excuses or no fruit has blossomed on their tree since the time you guys last spoke. Mad fig leaves blowing your way. Got excuses why church, God and everything holy ain't for them...Please say to them LEAVE ME ALONE LOVE.

I had to do the whole LEAVE ME ALONE LOVE speech recently but I didn't do it the way I was feeling it. I did it through my testimony for my love for Christ Jesus. I felt like this person was the wicked witch from the East and it rained on their parade. I heard the I am melting I am melting part as I said so eloquently ....LEAVE ME ALONE LOVE.
One Battle - many more to engage in during my lifetime. lol

Counting my Father's Love

I was really thinking about my father's love. Well my biological one not my spiritual one. I can talk about my spiritual father all day but my biological hmmm all of my memories involve "counting".

My first memory with my dad starts with a white and light blue striped bike with a basket filled of pennies. I was so excited when I got it cause while I was "counting" the pennies, my mother was arguing with him about where he got the bike from.
Of course my dad didn't buy it...he got it through his illegimate dealings from what I gathered listening to their conversations. I got a bike from my daddy who I had just met and didn't even know exist cause I was told that he was dead. He seemed nice to me so I rode the bike filled with pennies.

The next time I would see my father, I do believe I was 6 or 7, he invited me to his new form of employment, a local bodega. I became a cashier with Maria, the owner. I was instantly loved by Maria cause at 6, I could "count" and give exact change. Actually better than Maria and many of the customers were a bit shocked that I didn't need a calculator. I was well-known in the store and I used to wonder why some customers never returned from their one-way visits to the bodega. I never asked my father cause I was just too excited that we were spending time. But one day, I brought it to my mother's attention that Maria was arguing with a customer who didn't appear too well to me. And some other man came out from the back. I never saw him before and he was talking in Spanish.
Little did they know I understood Spanish enough to know that money was involved and "counting" cash properly was a part of that conversation.

Well after that, I saw him every so often when my mother would allow it.
Our next encounter with my dad would be my 16th birthday party where I went from being a normal kid to very well-known in HS as well as in my neighborhood. He was invited to help cook and be a part of the best and worst day of my life.
My house was so packed with folks I had never met and I told by my mother to reduce the "amount" of folks or she was shutting it down. My dad turned on the lights (bad right) and asked me to "count" out the folks I didn't know. As folks tried to hide behind chairs so that they could stay, my dad told the DJ to stop the music. He smelled something which he knew better that the rest of us didn't belong at his daughter's b-day party. He went thru everyone's pockets like cop and the party ended right afterwards.
Although, everyone said that was the BEST party they had ever went to. I was mortified by his sudden parental ability.

But in those memories of my dad, my spiritual Father, Jesus was always "counted" for and always present.
He protected me when I was riding my bike and a car almost hit me, he was protecting me every time I was working in the bodega in which two shootings happened after I left with my dad to go home , and when someone threw a garbage can at my doorsteps at my 16th birthday party.

Jesus was there for all of my birthdays, all of my A's on my report card, during my studying for standardized tests, when I skipped a grade and got depressed at 12 because I had low grades (86) lol

He was always there

My Love for Music - ramble

So you all saw my famous pic of me with my headphones and my eyes closed. That pic is the very essence of how I worship as well as how I listen to music. I love music I love the way it feels. Certain songs can make me go from being sad to happy or even vice versa. Certain songs place me to particular memory where I can remember every detail from the person's clothing to their scent.

I have been told by many that my long term memory is not as sharp as it used to. lol
I was known for pulling memory "cards" out of a hat but now I am able to do that for certain periods of my life.

There are certains songs that are attached to memories for me. I remember listening to Up on the TreeTop by the Jackson 5 in my old living room in Brooklyn at 5 years old. I was in my pj's decorating the tree and looking at my grandma's 8 track recorder system.
I was placing the angel ornaments on the Tree when one broke. I have more details to this memory but I won't bore you. LOL

But there is a period in my time in which I still cannot remember. I suffered from post-traumatic disorder so many memories I am still unable to recall. Also during that time I didn't listen too much music. I do believe that my lack of listening to music in that period contributed to my severe post-traumatic disorder. Or maybe vice versa, either way I don't remember much from that period. There are sections of my life which are still blurry to me. I have to have folks remind me about memories which I am still like I did that to whom? Really, are you sure I said that her? oh really!! Wow I am happy I forgot that!! LOL

During my pregnancy which is one of my best periods of my life .....many memories came back which remember of my love for music as my love for Jesus. I had went a lot with my son's father and I really saying to God I only have you now. I will trust in through out this period if you just give me a sign. My sign was a song which ignited my spiritual flame as well as my submission to Christ.

The song was secular but it gave me a memory of when I used to walk with Jesus literally. When he was hanging out with me on Hicks Street in Brooklyn and I only had him to appreciate the fall leaves crushing under my tan Timbs. Yall know I am bit Urban so stop laughing out loud but as the crushed fall leaves was underneath my Timbs, I was bopping my head to music and intaking the memories of the blue sky, the buildings, the mothers with their strollers.

That particular day, I was praising him for allowing me one more day on the earth. As my relationship grows stronger in Christ, those memories are easier to bear but also knowing that music appears with my memories are exciting as well.

Love Ramble!!

You ever wake up just in total bliss in love with.....JESUS.

Recently, I have been feeling this awwww, I love me some Jesus. I went into a whole sermon preaching to myself yesterday in my car. I wish I taped that conversation to remind myself of my passionate love.
I remember when my Reverend who passed away in July 2008, used to say all the time how much he LOVE Christ. And I asked him often have you ever loved any one else like that?
He told me no but I could not connect at that time.

It did inspire me to venture as to why I couldn't say that as well. I needed to be reassured by the Lord first that I could love him and he would love me the same way. He can love me the same cause he loves me more than I can every love him. His love is pure and my love at the time was a little jaded, a little experienced in pain. God had the same experience but he always was able to love me with purity and to forgive me and love me harder.

As my relationship with Jesus and my trust in him become stronger, my love has for him as well.
This love I have for Jesus is so passionate and just so HS feeling like. Like the first time, you received a letter from a secret admirer and you wonder how he looks and etc. I find myself feeling the same way like this journey with Christ is so amazing. Everything is so perfect in his eyes!! Even me!! Even me with a past full of sin....he still love me!!

There are times I am in the sanctuary and I feel his presence and no one else exist to me. I am so involved with him. Closest feeling to that was the day my son was born. When he looked up at me from his struggles in my womb and our eyes connected it was as if no one else existed. My eyes were set on him. No one else existed but him to me.

But my love for God is more grand than that. Even that memory is so small in comparison to my love for God. It seems impossible to unbelievers but to sanctified, holyified creature, your love for the Lord will seem like you want to be as perfect as possible for him only.

Everyone else just does not exist. I love my son and my family but the love I have for the Lord is unmeasurable.

I