I have had many failed relationships and since then I have experienced a lot of self-doubt regarding whether or not I will ever be able to trust or fully love someone. I do believe that your first experience with love pre-destined for either failure or happiness.
I was 9 and he was 9. I gave my all to our puppy love and I called him every day. Listened to his corny little stories and talked to him about his family and just thought I was being the best “potential” girlfriend. But he was hormonal and my best friend had more visual attractions that I did and I was not able to provide the hormonal satisfaction as my best friend could. He fell for her hard and she lied to me and stated that she did not like him but later I found out that she loved the attention from him and did not want to hurt my feelings. I was their little pawn to get them to speak to one another on the phone because I had three way calling.
The day that finally crushed my spirits and set up as the pattern for failed relationships for me was my graduation trip to Sesame Place . My crush, my best friend and I were going onto the donut water ride together and you could either choose a two seater donut or one seater. I was on the line, picked one seat donut thinking that all of us would do the same. He chose two-seater and then asked my best friend if she wanted to go with him. In a flash, I realized I was not being included and that he was finally made the choice that he was going ask her out while I was standing there getting green with envy. I did not exist in their world and I went onto the ride bitter and shut down emotionally saying to myself I would never open myself to anyone again. I never spoke to either of them afterwards and this pattern has occurred in majority of my relationships with men and women.
In turning 30 recently, I have been doing a self-assessment and through a friend realized that I don’t deal with rejection very well. For years, my patterns are basically dating people who are either physically or mentally far away from me, interested in only open/friends with benefits or too attached in the beginning of our relationships. All of them have resulted to short-term relationships, back-to-back rebound relationship, and unhappy open relationships with someone who did not deserve my time.
In retrospect, I only fell in love once and that one time was with someone who was totally different from my norm. I met him when I decided I wanted a change in my life and I was just taking care of myself and did not want to be with anyone because I had gotten hurt one too many times. I was not looking for him and vice versa. I felt the connection instantly while in his presence and I yearn in find a way to get know him but I did not want to be the first one. He also felt the same way and afterwards our ride was spiritual. The journey was well needed for me to see that love happens when you least expect it.
Our relationship was short but sweet. And when it ended I wanted to find those qualities in others and it could never amount for me with anyone else. No one has measured to him in my heart and mind as of yet. I thought I could moved on and I just felt like a failure, rejected and hurt and got into a relationship with the wrong persons and ended up pregnant. My pregnancy was so lonely for me in the beginning until I realized that hey there is someone who will love me for me very soon and I better get my life in order quick fast. It was time for me to look within myself and find that little girl who was crying inside because that boy did not pick her was now picking herself to date.
My son was my wake up call that unconditional love does exist and that I needed to let go of that baggage of rejection and start trusting that I am worth it for someone to go the extra mile for me.
Rejection only makes you stronger so you can face the right person in their eyes and say I love you and get the same word returned to you. I realized that I loved the idea of being loved and want to be loved. I want flowers on Valentines Day’s, I want kisses on my forehead, cheeks and neck to mean something, I want to be able to talk about everything and anything and not be judged and I want someone to have my back at the end of the day.
I want to take that donut ride with someone.
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